ABOUT EIGHT-FIFTY

ABOUT THE PEOPLE

BRODEN & ELISE *LOVE* COFFEE

And they drink a lot of it (Broden alone drinks about 6 cups a day).

These self-professed coffee snobs were always looking for a good coffee... and always being let down.

So, they took matters into their own hands and got to creating. We're talking hundreds of variations, years spent refining blends, and someone accidentally emptied a briefcase full of cash into a document shredder. 🤦

All this on top of juggling two kids, running one of Australia's fastest growing digital marketing agencies, and big plans for a non-for profit... it's a testament to the power of caffeine.

“It’s been a fun two years, refining, roasting and drinking coffee,” Broden says.

But, at last, from the (cherry) fruits of their labour came Eight-Fifty Espresso - a planet-first company on a mission to create brilliant brews that even the world’s fussiest coffee snob could love.

Now, we've got eight stellar blends - each named after a breed of goat - and a real-life, in-the-flesh, coffee shop in the heart of Southport (with biiiiiig plans for the future).

Experience the magic and passion that went into every single one of our beans by snagging a bag from this very site, or heading into our Southport location to get sippin' on barista-made coffee perfection.
THE GOAT OF COFFEE

THIS IS THE STORY OF THE GREATEST DISCOVERY EVER MADE.

Over 1,000 years ago, a simple-minded meadow-dwelling creature found something that would forever alter the course of billions of human lives.

That simple-minded creature was a goat. But not just any simple-minded goat — a particularly witless, slow-moving, lazy-eyed, 88% brain-dead billy goat called Billy.

As recorded in “The Chronicle of the First Frolic” by the artist formerly known as Billy the Brain-dead Billy Goat, this is precisely how it happened, to the best of his recollection.
At the end of a long day in the fields chewing grass and bashing his brains out against other furry, thick-skulled quadrupeds, Billy the brain-dead billy goat stumbled into a patch of cherry trees after mistaking a small white goat friend for a large, thick, brown tree base.

While slowly staggering back to his feet, it was here that our disoriented, 97% brain-dead billy goat made the discovery of all discoveries. Truly, this was no small thing. Without this discovery, our lives would not be the same. Commerce as we know it would be impossible. Civilisation itself would grind to a halt. No human would know the taste of joy.
Billy the brain-dead billy goat suckled away at one of the nutritious leaves of this cherry tree, when a dramatic and unexpected change occurred.

Suddenly able to leap tall haystacks in a single bound, he began running loops around all the other goats, regained enough brain cells to write a 5000-word memoir, and inspired a small but effective uprising against a tyrannical sheepdog called Milo. This was the time of the Great Shrieking.

The farmer who tended the goat couldn’t believe it.
Upon noticing his otherwise moronic vessel had somehow acquired super strength, super speed, and super charisma, he did what any normal person would do. He rushed over to the area where the goat had been, fell to his knees, and began suckling away at the sap of the mystical cherry tree.

This made him violently ill. This was the time of the Great Screaming. But later, he found a way to brew these special cherries into a hair-raising, pupil-dilating, brain-cell-activating, hot brown liquid concoction. This is not the story of one of the greatest discoveries of all time.
This is the story of THE greatest discovery ever made...

This was the year of the first brew.

This was the year of life.

This was 850AD, the discovery of coffee.
SO, WHO IS JERRY?

THE WORLDS GREAT COFFEE COMPANY PRESENTS THE WORLDS GREATEST AD ABOUT THE WORLDS GREATEST COFFEE
 

GET BIG BOXES OF COFFEE DUMPED AT YOUR DOOR.
 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

In the beginning, there was The Energy.
The Energy gave rise to light, heat, vapor, ash, cloud, rock.
Over eons, The Energy forged the first cells.
The first cells became the first organisms, complex, hooven, clawed, winged, gilled.
Organisms became ancestors, ancestors became organised, the first thinking beings — us — the dull, decaying, scattered remnants of The Energy.

Since the beginning, we have carried The Energy.
Since the beginning, we have sought The Energy.
The Energy is primal.
It is thought before thought.
Instinct before instinct.
Life before life.

The Energy is what drives us out of the shell and into the light, kicking and screaming.
Wake.
Breathe.
Crawl.
Fight.
Rise.
LIVE!

What is coffee?

A simple stimulant?
A convenient hot spring?
A breakfast accessory?
The petrol of industry?
Premium unleaded?

No.
Coffee is not this pitiful brown filth that humans use to fuel all-nighters and desperately cling to outer borders of consciousness.

Coffee is the river of life.
It is the blood of the Earth.
It is a primordial spirit energy that has been harnessed and distilled and concentrated into a sacred liquid portal.
What you hold in your hand is no mere “cup of joe.”
It is a doorway to the divine.
When you drink coffee, you transcend ordinary awareness and commune with the gods.
The universe is an artist, and coffee is its masterpiece.

“Coffee, what is coffee?” you ask.

Coffee is freedom.
Coffee is joy.
Coffee is love.
Coffee is the resurrection of the soul.
Coffee is the last common base between atheists and monks.
Coffee is a return to the womb.
Coffee is the reason for the universe.
Coffee is the light in the darkness.

It is truth.
It is beauty.
It is unlimited and everlasting perfection poured from the well of the infinite.

“What is coffee?” you ask.

COFFEE IS THE ETERNAL LIFE!

Unless it’s decaffeinated.
Decaffeinated coffee is awful.

Let me answer your question with a few more questions…

Are your kids being annoying?

Spouse refusing to listen to you?

Are your colleagues useless?

Do you feel there’s a deep black hole inside you that nothing can seem to fill?

Drink up!

Coffee will solve it all with a delicious cup of steamy goodness.

Coffee: curing murderous rage since 850AD.

Let me answer your question with a few more questions…

Are your kids being annoying?

Spouse refusing to listen to you?

Are your colleagues useless?

Do you feel there’s a deep black hole inside you that nothing can seem to fill?

Drink up!

Coffee will solve it all with a delicious cup of steamy goodness.

Coffee: curing murderous rage since 850AD.

CHECK OUT THE GOODS

ANATOLIAN BLACK BEANS
Anatolian Black Coffee Bean
Anatolian Black Coffee Bean
ANATOLIAN BLACK BEANS
From $17.00
☆ BESTSELLER ☆
Choose size
Choose grind
KALAHARI BEAN
Kalahari Coffee Bean
KALAHARI BEAN
KALAHARI BEAN
From $16.00
☆ BESTSELLER ☆
Choose size
Choose grind
KIKO BEAN
KIKO BEAN
KIKO BEAN
KIKO BEAN
From $15.00
Choose size
Choose grind
GIMME MORE

REJECTED TAG LINES


Great tasting runny brown liquid.

Coffee, it’s not the worst thing humans have ever made.

I don’t know about drug, but it is performance enhancing.

Get it before it gets banned!

What, you think you’re gonna win an NBA championship with orange juice?

Coffee, it’s at least as popular as tea, if not more so.

If a human being is like a turbine, then coffee makes you spin faster.

Move over dog, man has a new best friend.

Coffee, a happy medium between water and cocaine.

There’s no definitive evidence it’s bad for you.

Have you tried paying your employees with coffee?

Name me one thing humans have invented that’s better. Just one.

The preferred drink of lobbyists and litigators.

Taste closed.

It’s an open and shut taste.

I rest my taste.

Regardless of the situation. Coffee.

Have you ever met a sad barista?

The gateway hug.

There’s a space between waking up and falling asleep. That space is for coffee.

Just drink it.

Don’t think, just drink.

Taste the thunder.

Drink the rainbow.

KFC - Kentucky Fried Coffee.

Maximum mental arousal!

People who don’t drink coffee are kind of suspicious, don’t you think?

Halt. Grind. Go!

We brew, you brum.

From humdrum to humming.

Knock. Knock. Who’s there? Coffee.

Stop, coffee time!

Grind it, baby, grind it.

Growing children need their coffee.

Stop blundering. Start conquering!

Power drinker, power thinker.

Once you drink, you can’t unblink.

Hey, can’t you see I’m drinking my coffee here?

Frankly my dear, I don’t give a coffee.

May the caffeine be with you.

Hasta la vista, tiredness.

If the world starts spinning, you’ve gone too far.

In the famous last words of Abraham Lincoln, “Gimme coffee!”

I haz no words. I needz the coffee.

Coffee = Life

No Coffee = Death

Truth is a fractal. Drink coffee.

Whatever the problem, coffee is the solution.

Drink better, think better.

We’re shakin ‘n bakin, get ready folks, the train is arriving at the coffee station!

Yeah baby.

Revialitise your vital signs.

Hey, you there - get your freaking coffee!

Granular Greatness.

37% more awesome, guaranteed (or we will revise our estimate).

I tried to come up with a slogan but was too tired and needed coffee.

Shut up and give me coffee!

Made with love.

Made with goat.

May contain traces of goat.

Unlike your two-timing ex, coffee will never betray you.

Forget falling in love, fall in coffee.

Coffee, probably better than dogs. Definitely better than cats.

A good time for coffee is always.

I love it when you talk coffee to me.

Don’t make war. Make coffee.

Coffee goes in, greatness comes out.

Drink up, worry down.

Drink more, worry less.

Hey, you old hags! How would you like to feel young again?

Let the brown stuff chase away your blues.

Wakey wakey, we need our coffee daily.

Water. Bluh! Coffee. Yar!

We're in the business of pleasure.

Pleased to caffeinate you.

A pleasure doing coffee with you.

A power boost in every cup.

A power bar, in liquid form.

Awaken your killer instinct.

Got pain? Get coffee.

Pain, pain, go away, drink another coffee on this day.

Get your motor going.

Pour to roar.

We're number 1. We just are.

Great things start with “let’s have coffee.”

Good things come to those who caffeinate.

Don’t hate. Caffeinate.

Celebrate. Caffeinate. Don’t hesitate.

I desperately need you to buy my coffee.

Please, please, I’m begging you. Buy my coffee or I’ll be evicted and lose everything.

This is a job for coffee.

Dynamite Depression With a Hot Cuppa.

Business begins when the coffee machine sings.

At this point, what do you have to lose?

There are 2 types of people in the world. Coffee drinkers and bad people.

Ordinarily the worst thing about life is being awake, but now it’s pretty good.

Where does it hurt? Everywhere! Okay, you need coffee.

Feeling bad? Have you heard of this thing called coffee?

Your wife left you. You lost your job. Your house burnt to the ground. Life is good. You still have coffee.

Wake up! WAKE UP! WAKE UUUUUUUP!!

Snort it!